99 Reasons to Hate Cats: Cartoons for Cat Lovers Read online

  99 Reasons to Hate Cats

  by Tom Briscoe

  hatecats.com

  All characters and events portrayed in this book are probably real. Any similarity to real persons or cats, living or dead, is in your own mind unless you happen to be the cartoonist himself, his lovely spouse or adorable children.

  Copyright ©2012, Tom Briscoe

  All rights reserved.

  No part of this book may be reproduced, stored or transmitted without express written permission by the cartoonist. So there.

  For Mindé,

  without you I would have never created this book

  Reason 1:

  They eat your plants.

  Reason 2:

  They eat your other pets.

  Reason 3:

  They only love you at dinner time.

  Reason 4:

  Smelling the litter box

  Reason 5:

  Cleaning the litter box

  Reason 6:

  Cleaning around the litter box

  Reason 7:

  Cats land on their feet no matter how far you throw them.

  Reason 8:

  Fighting at 1 a.m.

  Reason 9:

  Obsessive ribbon eating

  Reason 10:

  Hair ball hurking at 2 a.m.

  Reason 11:

  Fighting at 4 a.m.

  Reason 12:

  Waking up in the morning before you do

  Reason 13:

  Cat butt in the face

  Reason 14:

  Defecates to show displeasure

  Reason 15:

  They refuse to get a job

  Reason 16:

  And they sleep all day.

  Reason 17:

  Women think cats are people.

  Reason 18:

  Pretending not to understand English

  Reason 19:

  Thinking every can is full of tuna

  Reason 20:

  Climbing your leg like it’s a tree

  Reason 21:

  If cats could vote, they wouldn’t bother.

  Reason 22:

  Bathing in your own spit is gross.

  Reason 23:

  You can’t help liking them as kittens.

  Reason 24:

  But they still grow up into cats.

  Reason 25:

  Cats knock over your stuff...

  Reason 26:

  From the top of your tallest bookshelf.

  Reason 27:

  Cats will steal their own food.

  Reason 28:

  They binge mindlessly on the spoils.

  Reason 29:

  Then they barf it all back up.

  Reason 30:

  And then cry for more food.

  Reason 31:

  Cat pee stinks.

  Reason 32:

  They’re faster than a thrown pillow.

  Reason 33:

  If you were small enough, they’d eat you.

  Reason 34:

  If you were small enough, they’d maim and then eat you.

  Reason 35:

  If you were small enough, they’d maim, play with and then eat you.

  Reason 36:

  Cats are smart enough to do tricks but they won’t.

  Reason 37:

  Cats don’t really eat lasagna. Even the fat ones.

  Reason 38:

  Curiosity isn’t as lethal as it should be.

  Reason 39:

  Freaking out when bugs are in the house

  Reason 40:

  Extremely loud fighting

  Reason 41:

  Extremely loud mating

  Reason 42:

  Ever tried to give one a pill? It’s ugly.

  Reason 43:

  The claws

  Reason 44:

  The sharp, pointy teeth

  Reason 45:

  Their Broadway musical made no sense.

  Reason 46:

  They still have to eat when you’re on vacation.

  Reason 47:

  The cat’s medicine costs more than yours.

  Reason 48:

  Demands lovin’ even when you’re busy

  Reason 49:

  Walking flea motel

  Reason 50:

  Cat poop is like candy for dogs.

  Reason 51:

  Resists a water bath

  Reason 52:

  Bopping Christmas ornaments

  Reason 53:

  Chewing bows on presents

  Reason 54:

  Santa gives them catnip not coal.

  Reason 55:

  Thinks dead animals make good gifts

  Reason 56:

  Throws up in just the wrong spot

  Reason 57:

  There’s no such thing as a “Crazy Dog Lady.”

  Reason 58:

  Leeches your body heat in winter

  Reason 59:

  Women think this behavior shows “love.”

  Reason 60:

  Marking territory

  Reason 61:

  Can’t be claimed as a dependent on taxes

  Reason 62:

  Insane kitty room-to-room racing

  Reason 63:

  They never write “thank you” notes.

  Reason 64:

  Cat hair on your pillow

  Reason 65:

  Cat hair on your couch

  Reason 66:

  Cat hair on your best clothes

  Reason 67:

  Chronic glass tipping

  Reason 68:

  Won’t admit to catnip addiction

  Reason 69:

  They tend to get lost...

  Reason 70:

  And show up days later for no good reason.

  Reason 71:

  Curtain lurking

  Reason 72:

  Bed ruffle lurking

  Reason 73:

  Cats move too fast to kick.

  Reason 74:

  Always underfoot

  Reason 75:

  Always underfoot at the top of the stairs

  Reason 76:

  Uses predator instinct on stuffed animals

  Reason 77:

  Cats are total tramps.

  Reason 78:

  There’s just too many of them.

  Reason 79:

  You have to pay to keep them from multiplying.

  Reason 80:

  9 lives?! Seriously?

  Reason 81:

  You can’t lose ‘em because the kids would notice.

  Reason 82:

  Who said only black cats were bad luck?

  Reason 83:

  They don’t pay for the furniture they destroy.

  Reason 84:

  Ancient Egyptians thought cats were gods.

  Reason 85:

  You can actually be allergic to the darn things.

  Reason 86:

  If you’re allergic to cats, they love you.

  Reason 87:

  Cat collar escape artists

  Reason 88:

  We’re starting to get “Crazy Cat Men.”

  Reason 89:

  Their cold, cold wet noses

  Reason 90:

  Cats are smart enough to climb up trees but not down them.

  Reason 91:

  Every chair is the cat’s chair.

  Reason 92:

  Being sneaky

  Reason 93:

  When you want to find your cat, you can’t.

  Reason 94:

  Drinking your drinks

  Reason 95:

  The world is their scratching post.

  Reason 96:

  Pers
onal space invader

  Reason 97:

  Cats are taking over the Internet.

  Reason 98:

  Cat owner codependency

  Reason 99:

  Cats hate other cats.

  Cat Cast

  Angel (a.k.a. Booger)

  Angel was a stray kitten my wife and I adopted before we were married. The orange tabby was sickly in her earliest days and we nursed her to health. Bottle fed and adorable as a kitten, Angel grew to be a petite cat with an ironic given name. Her nickname, Booger, was more apt with her attitude toward other cats and human beings. Angel has since passed on but her legend continues.

  Moses (a.k.a. Fat Boy)

  My wife and I adopted Moses as a teenage cat as “company” for Angel. Little did we know, Angel could have well done without any other feline companion. Nevertheless, Moses spent a great deal of time trying to play with his older, smaller and fussier sibling. This grey tabby also shows a strong love for chow and therefore earned his nickname.

  Cookie (a.k.a. Cookie)

  My wife had a short but enjoyable career as a veterinary technician. One Easter holiday weekend, she brought her work home in the form of 9 kittens. We were traveling to visit my parents that same weekend and took the little furballs with us. My parents adopted a black and white kitten from that litter who turned out to be one of the greatest cats ever.

  Fluffy (a.k.a. Fluffimus Prime)

  In a weak moment, I allowed a new kitten into our home. With our son growing older, my wife and I thought he would benefit from having a pet of his own. Fluffy is a petite, black and orange tortie who is my freshest inspiration for a sequel to this book. She has also become the best friend and playmate that Moses always longed for.

  Acknowledgements

  Thank you to the following people for their encouragement or inspiration (intentional and unintentional) for 99 Reasons to Hate Cats.

  Melynda Milburn Briscoe

  Will & Aerin Briscoe

  Drew Benson

  Hunter Cressal

  Amy Walker Miller

  David McElroy

  Bev Gallegos

  Carmen Lanza

  About the Cartoonist

  Cartoonist Tom Briscoe got married. Now he’s “doomed” to spend the rest of his life with his sweetheart and her cats. This book is how he copes with his hopeless situation.

  Tom Briscoe is also the creator of Small World, a weekly comic strip on pop culture and politics. The feature appears in the Birmingham Weekly, Universal uClick’s GoComics.com and its own website (smallworldcomics.com). Tom also regularly contributes editorial cartoons to the Birmingham News.

  Have your own reasons to hate cats? Please share!

  Visit hatecats.com and share the reasons you (love to) hate cats.

 

 

  Tom Briscoe, 99 Reasons to Hate Cats: Cartoons for Cat Lovers

  Thanks for reading the books on GrayCity.Net